Characteristics include an easy going manner, humility and open-mindedness, never having been prone to opinionated outbursts or hissy fits. I have no diva tendencies whatsoever but when writing do insist on
Cristal champagne. one box of bendy straws. one special attendant to dispose of chewed slippers. two boxes of Pukka pies. cable television. two 6ft sofas and six fluffy cushions on each, colour white.

My Home Suburbia in’ Good Old Blighty’.

Destructive behaviour: none! However visit the garden and it may look like a war zone with numerous holes, plants destroyed, chewed up plant pots and mangled toys everywhere but that’s nothing to do with me.

Sleeping arrangements: basket. However when full of cartons, wrappers, chewed up slippers and post, bed will do but space management is an issue as I need to stretch out.

Most desired location: Home. Apart from sleeping quarters best places are, oven, fridge, ping-ping microwave, dog bowl and lastly dustbin but not in any particular order.

My Human

Known to have an ego larger than the north face of The Eiger and rarely acts maturely. Needs regular exercise but must be walked at the end of a leash for safety reasons. Prone to gluttony as seldom gives me any left-overs and known to partake of the devil water which often leaves them acting their shoe size not their age. However as all dogs know the trouble is with human ownership you can’t help but love these over-demanding, over-dependant but affectionate creatures.

Talents

Speaks Dog, some Cat, English, Latin and currently learning Mandarin. Flamboyant, erudite writer known to pen some of the most learned musings since Confucius. Acute sense of smell and can scent out the precise location of any desired food substance miles away. Fearless protector of suburbia hunting down vermin on a regular basis and when not, head of ‘Neighbourhood Watch’ from excellent vantage point on back rest of the sofa.

Many other talents but too numerous to mention and far too modest and bashful to do so.

Favourite Foods

Anything to do with the Atkins Diet.

Most Disliked Foods

Dried kibbles particularly kibble-lite which resemble the remains of my disintegrating logs. Pet hates are anything green and I have a troubling triangular allergy.

Hobbies

Karaoke, wrapper collecting and looking at myself in the mirror when no one is looking. I am a connoisseur and a world renowned collector of tennis balls.

Pet Likes

Johnny Depp, Monty Don, Boris Johnson (but not his bikes) and sometimes DC my vet and my human. Love food, hunting, sleeping and eating.

Pet Hates

Vermin, Boris’ bikes, The Hong Kong Fooies, local postman and sometimes DC my vet and my human. Hates the cat Hideous Beast (technically not included in vermin but should be), wind farms, pyrotechnics, bath-time and Wenlock the London 2012 Olympic mascot.

My ambitions

Simply world domination, followed by universal supremacy and finally intergalactic hegemony.